Let’s start playing kinder games
I will never forget 26 October 2016. That day I met (and took a photo with) Professor Philip Zimbardo.
Philip Zimbardo was an American psychologist. He taught at Stanford University for fifty years and in 2002 he was president of the American Psychological Association. He became famous for the so-called “Stanford Prison Experiment” of 1971. A mock prison was set up at the university. Based on tests, he selected 24 completely ordinary students and randomly divided them into guards and prisoners. The experiment was supposed to last two weeks. But the guards began to abuse the prisoners (if I remember correctly the aggression involved waking prisoners in the middle of the night, putting bags over their heads, tying them together and leading them away, etc.). Professor Zimbardo ended the experiment after six days.
Today I see that what the prisoners went through is similar to “parental alienation”. Put simply, one parent takes control of the child’s mind (coercive control) and persuades the child to play the role of a relentless guard. The other parent becomes a prisoner who is abused. And a badly designed system lets this game go on. When one parent starts controlling the child’s psyche, and through the child the other parent too, and the system does not step in early, or even supports the aggressor, the situation escalates and becomes harder and harder to stop. The Stanford Prison Experiment, whatever the debate around it today, is a good illustration of what happens when a system does not respond to aggression by setting boundaries.
It would be wonderful if someone wise (lawmakers and the courts together with child protection services and others) ended this brutal game as quickly as Professor Zimbardo ended his experiment under pressure from his future wife. Those six days must have been insane for the prisoners. Sadly, many parents stay in this “prison experiment” for years or even decades.
Professor Zimbardo died two years ago. I am grateful that I had the chance to meet him in person back then.
Ten years ago I was dealing with a very difficult situation in which I had limited access to my children. What I remember from Professor Zimbardo’s work is that people’s behavior is determined not only by their character, but above all by the environment (the system) they live in.
I am grateful that I managed to resolve everything well.
Today I help other people avoid situations like the one I went through.
And I point out that the system needs to change, and I bring concrete proposals for how to do it.
We need systems that step in as early as possible, not only when the damage is already great. Systems that give prisoners effective ways to defend themselves and limit the guards’ power over them.
Let’s start playing kinder games that lead to better outcomes.
Sources: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Philip_Zimbardo and https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stanford_prison_experiment