Divorce Optimist
CZ

Every child deserves every safe parent and all safe relatives.

Divorce Optimist exists so that no child has to lose a safe parent or a safe relative.

If you're afraid of losing contact with your child, you're not alone, and it's not hopeless. But my bigger goal is that no one has to face this at all, because the system stops pushing families into conflict, makes sound decisions grounded in solid evidence, and actually tracks the consequences of those decisions.

How I can help
Divorce Optimist

They wrote about me

“Thank you from the bottom of my heart for bringing this very important issue to light.”
Frank Abagnale, the man behind Catch Me If You Can

Read the interview →

Depending on the country, 20 to 40% of children lose meaningful contact with one parent after divorce.* And as far as I can tell, no country even tracks it.

The framework

In some zones, the system makes it practically impossible for safe parents to stay in their children's lives.

For a long time I thought I was failing. I was reasonable, I cooperated, I put the children first, and I kept losing ground. There are zones where the system itself makes it nearly impossible for a normal, reasonable parent to stay in their child's life. Not because they did anything wrong, but because of where they're standing.

I mapped it

Every place where a good parent gets quietly cornered, and every place where the bond can still be saved.

It can change

These broken zones can be fixed, ideally by choice. Because surely no one truly wants to damage the future of children, or of the calmer, less aggressive parent.

I call it the Custody Matrix.

Children's needs & safety

A child's needs are not the same as a child's wishes.

"Let children choose which parent to live with from the age of fifteen" sounds respectful. But it quietly starts a race: whoever influences the child first, gets the child. The one who pays the price is the child. It's like allowing smoking from fifteen: it doesn't make the child stronger, it just exposes them to whoever is best at working on them. And that is exactly what a custody system can be designed to prevent. A child's safety and real needs have to come first, long before any "choice."

This is also why we ask people not to share videos of children online, and why our own awareness videos are clearly marked as AI-generated.

How I can help

It often helps to draw on the experience of someone who has been in a similar situation and, ideally, came out of it well. Someone whose own divorce was settled sensibly long ago. For me, staying in my children's lives was like climbing Everest. It helps to have someone on your team who has been up there.

In Zlatovláska (Goldenhair), a Czech fairy tale written down by Karel Jaromír Erben, the princess first sprinkles Jiřík with the water of death, and his wounds heal so that no trace of them remains. Then she sprinkles him with the water of life, and Jiřík stands up more handsome than ever before. The old king wants the same. They sprinkle him with the water of life first, until none is left. The water of death then heals his wounds, but the king stays dead, because the water of life has run out.

It is like a relationship with a child who is disappearing from a parent's life. It needs both the water of death and the water of life.

I was lucky to meet, quite early on, someone who had been through what was ahead of me. He told me where to find the know-how. Counterintuitive. The water of death, in effect. I understood what was happening and made peace with the situation as it was. I didn't play the victim. The water of death is like a wound healing deep inside my soul. And because I was still relatively early on, I didn't waste all my water of life, the energy you need for change.

  1. And I help people accept what happened.

  2. Understand the rules of the game. And, if needed, explain them to the people around you.

  3. Sometimes I go with them to child protection services. Not as their legal representative, but for support.

I don't need to know the details. I show people where to find the water of death. And I recommend using the water of death first, and only then the water of life.

I am not a substitute for psychological support, which can help even when things are less intense.

If you are at risk of losing contact with your child and want to talk it through, get in touch.

Write to me

How consultations work →

Testimonials

Here, people I have worked with speak for themselves.

“I had no idea what kind of game I was in. … Aleš will help you open both eyes. You will see the whole game and its rules.”
Pavel K.
“His practical advice enabled my ex-partner and me to find common ground and reach agreements that were beneficial to both parties and, most importantly, to our children. …”
A father (Jan H.)
“Ales listened to me carefully and consistently provided concrete advice that helped me better understand my options and decide on the best solution for everyone involved, especially the children.”
A mother (Martina)

Read all testimonials →

By my estimate, every year millions of children lose meaningful contact with one parent, often not because that parent is unsafe, but because the system has the wrong incentives. The aim is to change that, and to be there for the families caught in it right now.

Refining the system, across countries

I want to contribute to improving the system (family courts, social workers, etc.) so that no child loses a safe parent or a safe relative. In my view, every custody system I have studied so far has had serious flaws, and applying science-backed know-how from other domains shows us what to change, and how. I used to run a global affiliate program for Avast and AVG in cybersecurity, which helps me think in broader terms.

Children's needs come first

A child's safety and real needs, not a pressured "wish," have to lead every decision. Respecting a manipulated child's "choice" isn't respect; it simply hands the child to whoever applies the most pressure.

Prevention before harm

Once a bond is already broken, very little can be undone. So the focus is prevention: acting before harm is done, not only when it is already under way.

Education & training

Helping companies support employees going through a separation or divorce, and offering schools support in caring for students whose parents are separating, so the people around a child can help, not harm.

Follow the work as it takes shape.

What I'm learning and building: custody systems, the parent-child bond, and the Custody Matrix. I write when there's something worth sharing.

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Aleš Pektor

The Story

A father of two who almost lost a child, and the relationship was saved.

My parents divorced when I was a teenager. Years later my own divorce, in 2014 and finalized in 2016, turned into conflict, and by 2017 I had nearly lost contact with my child; "parental alienation" was written into the official papers. I had a good lawyer and a psychologist, and still I couldn't understand what was really happening. Before that, I was lost. I didn't want to admit it. I felt despair. It looked bad and I didn't know what to do. And yet it was simple: I had been with my children from their first breath, and I want to be there for them until my last. The turning point was meeting someone who had been through it. Two hours with him helped me finally see the situation clearly, and that I wasn't in it alone. From 2018 the relationship slowly came back. Today both parents sit at the same table at our children's milestones. Above all, I'm a father of two.

The book is on its way.

Email me and I'll let you know the day it's out. Only for the book launch, no spam.

Email me to be notified

Work with me

The first country to modernize its custody system will gain a major advantage.

Less conflict, healthier children, relief for parents, and a model others can learn from. This is where I want to direct my work: helping governments, policymakers, and institutions bring their custody systems up to date.

When someone's family is breaking, work and school are where it shows.

A separation shows up at work sooner than almost anywhere else. And an employer stands closer than almost any other adult around the family: they can protect the bond between a parent and their child very effectively. Sometimes as prevention, while the bond is still whole. And sometimes as long-term support, when the divorce goes wrong.

For companies

The parent-child bond can be protected even through a divorce. I offer two experiential seminars for companies.

For employers →

For schools

A workshop for teachers: how to spot a child whose parents are separating, how to talk to the child and to both parents without taking sides, and how to keep school the safe, stable place that protects the child and parent bond. Teachers are often the first to notice, and the best placed to help a child not lose a safe parent.

For schools →

These are hands-on seminars, not lectures, drawing on more than a thousand days of training and on years inside a cybersecurity company watching how incentives and digital footprints shape behavior. Reach out and we'll find a date.

Write to me

* Depending on the country, 20 to 40% of children lose meaningful contact with one parent after divorce. UK: one in three children lose contact with their father during divorce, https://www.familylaw.co.uk/news_and_comment/1-in-3-children-lose-contact-with-father-during-divorce ; US: close to one-half of children do not see their father at all after a divorce (Weissbourd 2001), https://prospect.org/civil-rights/distancing-dad/ ; US: 27% of fathers living apart from their children had not seen them in the past year (Pew Research Center 2011), https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2011/06/15/a-tale-of-two-fathers/

Follow the work as it takes shape.

I write when there's something worth sharing: custody systems and the bond between a parent and child.

You can unsubscribe anytime. For details, read our Privacy Policy.